Why did the universe choose to torture me?
Let me rephrase that.
Why did you choose to torture me?
Why do you look at me always and why do you let me catch you looking at me?
Oh, how I love the way your eyes sparkle!
Why do you give me your perfect smile?
It might not be perfect to you or for others, but damn it is for me.
Why do you talk to me about things that are so deep?
Those topics that take up too much courage for one to open up,
why do you tell those things to me?
How can you do that to someone like me if i'm not significant to you?
Why do you laugh in a weird way?
It is in a good weird way that brings me laughter as well.
Why do you keep on giving me spontaneous gentle touches just to get my attention?
Oh, how does your perfect imperfection and presence make me jovial and what not?
Maybe you didn't really choose to torture me, and maybe I did.
Maybe I am actually the one at fault and you are not.
Maybe you weren't really looking at me, maybe you were looking at the girl behind me.
Or maybe you were actually looking at those colorful and wonderful displays on my side that are very unlike me.
Or most probably, you were thinking about life and it was just a coincidence that you were looking at my side.
Maybe your smile just looked perfect for me, but it didn't mean anything.
Maybe those late night deep talks were just usual for you.
Maybe that's why we also have it on afternoons and rainy evenings.
Maybe I'm significant to you but that's because we're friends.
Maybe I am significant, but not as much as she is.
Maybe I shouldn't notice those weird laughs, and maybe I shouldn't take it as a sign.
Maybe those touches weren't meant to mean anything.
Maybe it was just your way of communicating.
Even after all of these, I still ask myself...
Why do I have to see you all the time?
Why do I have to be with you everyday?
Why do you have to torture me every single day?
Why do you have to confuse me with what I feel?
And most of all, why can't I resist falling in love with you?
You're simple. You're uniquely you. Just like guys your age, you enjoy life everyday. You do things that are capable of getting other people's attention, both good and bad. You were accused of thinking and acting like a child but they didn't know what you're going through. You told me everything but even before you told me, I knew you were someone special. I feel that weird sensation when you're around and I don't know why. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure if I just admire you or I already love you. But whatever I feel, here is why: you're special and you talk to me in a weird way. That weird way is the way I understand and that is what makes our communication better.
I have to admit, I don't want to feel this way. I deny all of these to them and even to you just to try and see if I can stop what I'm feeling right now. I can't seem to see my feelings stopping but instead, I can see it growing deeper and deeper. What should I do now?
They wanted to know who is this unKNOWN guy I am talking about. Don't deny, you do want to know too. However, I am still denial up until to this point because of many reasons. Topping the list is the fear of rejection. You might have confessed the way you felt about me a year ago, but that was a year ago. And although I already felt this way a year ago and is still feeling the same thing until now, I still didn't want to assume that maybe you like me, too.
We are perfectly fine as friends now. We both feel comfortable in talking about personal things that normal people don't talk about in the streets. So why would I take away that comfort that we have? We are already close, and that's why I don't want to tell you. Today, I guess, it's okay to not gain this award of being able to say all of what I have on my mind because I know we will be forever awkward if things doesn't turn out to be mutual. I can't risk our friendship just because of what I feel because everything will just turn out to be worse. Also, I don't have to be in a relationship with you just to be happy with you so why would you need to know?
Maybe the reason why all of these are running through my head is because i'm still not ready to be in a relationship so I prefer to just ignore all the signs. You're cute, but you and I both know that we still have to focus on school and maybe to our family. We also both know there is nothing wrong in loving the people around you, but we also know that we don't have enough time for romantic love to occur. Those romantic feelings will just lead us to distraction.
You kept on telling me that maybe the fact that I came from a relationship that didn't end well is one of the factors why I am denial. Well maybe, I don't know. You kept on teasing me that maybe I am still not completely over it. I would not like to say that but I do admit that what I had with my ex was a bad breakup and I don't want to experience it again. There are also times when it simply feels like I am just not ready to do those things again and then I think, it isn't the good time to fall back in love.
Everyday, I choose to deny my feelings for you and it is indeed a tough challenge. Each day, I have to resist what my heart wants. Every time we encounter an eye to eye contact, I have to stop thinking about how cute you are and I have to make you believe that those sparkles in my eyes doesn't mean anything. This is what hurts the most, I have to see you flirt with all those girls you tell me about and just smile and bear it because I am afraid. I am afraid to tell you what I feel.
