The next day, I tried to fix everything, but my effort wasn't enough because the other party doesn't contribute. Although there are things that really need efforts and willingness from both parties to work and wouldn't work with only one side fighting, I tried to be an optimist. The thought I kept in mind is that the reason why there are two sides in the situation is so that the other person will pull the other side when it is falling to keep the balance and avoid hitting bottom rock and completely give up what they have. In my mind, I kept on saying that there are endless possibilities in every situation that even if there are a thousand negatives, there can possibly be a million of positives.
Aside from trying to settle everything by means of talking to the other party, I also made plans days after. Plans that isn't usually made by a female like me. Plans no one would expect I can turn into reality. I wouldn't really do such thing to anyone but that time, this person is an exception. I knew I was ready to do anything for this special person. I knew there's nothing I'd say no to doing if that is what it's worth to have everything fall back into place.
I started to coordinate with people who can help me. People who can produce the resources I need. Yes, it crossed my mind that if it doesn't work, my effort would just be wasted. But I knew that when you love someone, nothing is wasted even if you've been rejected. I was trying to talk to this person properly but I never had the chance so I looked at this as an opportunity. I planned a 5-day long effort for this person since the 5th day would be a significant day. I planned to give this person various kinds of sweets with letters that can hopefully inspire him. I didn't want to send him letters that is straight to the point because he might be irritated. I started by inspiring him about his personal life knowing about what situation he is in that moment. I asked someone I don't know to give him the letter along with 12 heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies.
In the same day at around 4 pm, he talked to me. I thought it's because he decided to fix everything. But again, I was wrong. He wanted to return the cookies I gave him and I was like "I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO YOU PROPERLY BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO RESPOND TO YOU?! YOU'RE TALKING TO ME JUST TO REJECT WHAT I GAVE YOU?" but keeping the manners, I told him "Hindi, sayo 'yan." (No, that's yours) but then he replied "Ano namang gagawin ko dito?" (What would I do with this?) "Kainin mo." (Eat it.) I replied. Then he said he didn't want to and insists in returning it but I acted like I didn't notice him (Thanks for having a lot of people around us). He then said "Ipapamigay ko to." (I'll give it away.) then I said "Edi pamigay mo, basta iyo yan." (Then give it away, it's yours). When I was on my way home, he sent me a message saying that he read my letter but I don't have to give him things that would cost money.
The first day wasn't that of a success. I succeed in giving him what I wanted to give him but he didn't want to actually receive it. To be honest, his reaction hurt me. He hurt me once more. But I was still more than willing to love him and stay by his side no matter what happens. But after being in a deep thought, I decided to cancel my plans. I decided to give him space to think before continuing my plans.
During that time, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't close to my family nor to my schoolmates because I chose him over them because I thought it was alright because I will certainly be receiving love from him. I didn't know to whom shall I vent. Not going straight at home became my hobby. But where I will go is always a mystery. I felt like I don't want to go home but I didn't know where to go either.
After classes, my routine would be to wait for my phone to be returned, go out of the campus and walk, walk, walk anywhere! One time, I don't know anymore what to do. Crying, while thinking and reminiscing, I walked. I am familiar to the places around my school so I didn't worry about being lost.
But one time I couldn't see where I'm going literally because my eyes were blurry. When I wiped my eyes, I saw my surroundings and I knew I was near a church in Malate and so I went there. A mass was going on so I stayed at the back, praying while crying. It was a bit awkward because some people are looking at me and some, staring. I ended my prayer and went outside but I didn't know where to go so I went in again and prayed for more, and the same situation happened so I went out for good.
A guy in his thirties was sitting on a chair near the entrance gate for parking of the church. I walked up to him and asked him "Naisip niyo na po bang sukuan yung sarili niyo?" (Have you ever thought of giving up on yourself?) He asked me to repeat my question for like 6 times but didn't respond to my question directly. He then called for the guy behind him and asked him to listen tome because he couldn't understand. I took the risk of talking to that guy because I really can't hold it anymore. I thought he is someone I can talk to but I felt like an alien not being understood by the people around me because of my language. The guy who was a kagawad talked to me and asked why I was crying but I just asked him the same question. He responded but not answering my question directly, he told me "Bata ka pa, mag-aral ka nalang ng mabuti. Para kung ano man yan, malalagpasan mo." (You're still young, just study well so that whatever it is you're going through, you can overcome.) I asked him if he has children and he said he has two daughters, then I asked what would he feel if he sees his daughters going through what I am going through, but his respond was to just study well again.
After a few minutes, he shared to me his story. He told me that years ago, he used to gain a lot of money because he was gifted, but then everything changed, and he didn't know how or why. He came from the province and went to Manila to gain more money in order to give his family a wonderful life. His 1st daughter had a baby in a very young age while his 2nd daughter stopped going to school when she only have 3 more subjects to pass before she could graduate just because she got lazy. The father, whom I am talking to, felt devastated. He invested so much in his daughter's education only for her to waste. He said he couldn't do anything so he just kept on praying and everyday he goes to church.
After him, I shared more of my problems. Aside from the main problem I was stressing about that time, my Birthday is approaching but I am sill devastated. What I wanted for my Birthday is for me to be happy even for that day only. I don't know how, I don't know where I should ask for help. During those times, I should be getting strength from my family but I couldn't since our family was also facing a huge problem that time. A problem so big that it is better left unsaid.
It's getting late when the kagawad asked me where I live. I told him the city but never would I tell my address. He asked me where would I get a ride home and I told him I am still deciding. Deep inside me, I still don't want to go home. Also, if I would decide to go home, I don't know how I would go home. I know which way to take but it scares me knowing there are a lot of drug addicts in the way I am supposed to take. The kagawad adviced that I should take the train and I said okay. He told me to go home but then I still don't want to. He therefore insisted to take me to the station. I don't know why, but I trusted him and he brought me to the train station safe & sound.
When I went down the station near my place, I rode a jeepney but instead of going down in our street, I went down at the bridge. I saw the place that was once filled with small houses but now burned down. I can still see the pieces of their houses. There are also people trying to look for something they can use in the area. I told myself "Swerte ko na nabubuhay ako ng maayos. Ang daming gustong maging buhay yung buhay ko, samantalang ako gusto kong mawala." (I'm lucky I live properly. There are many people who wants to live my life but I want to disappear.) I walked 'til I reached the church. I sat down for a while then knelt. I prayed for my heart's desire. I tried to stay there until I feel better but before feeling that way, they were cleaning and closing the lights. A thought rushed through my mind "Pati ba naman simbahan pinagsasarahan ako ng pinto? Pati ba naman Diyos tatalikuran ako?" (Even the church will close its doors on me? Even the Lord God will turn his back on me?) So I went to the sides of the church praying and reading the stuffs written about the saints. Hoping that maybe something I might read will help.
Crying, I went out the church. I didn't know where to go. A lot of people is already sending me text messages. Then I decided to tell my mom to fetch me, I requested for her to fetch me alone. I was shocked when she arrived with my dad. I knew I would be scolded.
Aside from trying to settle everything by means of talking to the other party, I also made plans days after. Plans that isn't usually made by a female like me. Plans no one would expect I can turn into reality. I wouldn't really do such thing to anyone but that time, this person is an exception. I knew I was ready to do anything for this special person. I knew there's nothing I'd say no to doing if that is what it's worth to have everything fall back into place.
I started to coordinate with people who can help me. People who can produce the resources I need. Yes, it crossed my mind that if it doesn't work, my effort would just be wasted. But I knew that when you love someone, nothing is wasted even if you've been rejected. I was trying to talk to this person properly but I never had the chance so I looked at this as an opportunity. I planned a 5-day long effort for this person since the 5th day would be a significant day. I planned to give this person various kinds of sweets with letters that can hopefully inspire him. I didn't want to send him letters that is straight to the point because he might be irritated. I started by inspiring him about his personal life knowing about what situation he is in that moment. I asked someone I don't know to give him the letter along with 12 heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies.
In the same day at around 4 pm, he talked to me. I thought it's because he decided to fix everything. But again, I was wrong. He wanted to return the cookies I gave him and I was like "I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO YOU PROPERLY BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO RESPOND TO YOU?! YOU'RE TALKING TO ME JUST TO REJECT WHAT I GAVE YOU?" but keeping the manners, I told him "Hindi, sayo 'yan." (No, that's yours) but then he replied "Ano namang gagawin ko dito?" (What would I do with this?) "Kainin mo." (Eat it.) I replied. Then he said he didn't want to and insists in returning it but I acted like I didn't notice him (Thanks for having a lot of people around us). He then said "Ipapamigay ko to." (I'll give it away.) then I said "Edi pamigay mo, basta iyo yan." (Then give it away, it's yours). When I was on my way home, he sent me a message saying that he read my letter but I don't have to give him things that would cost money.
The first day wasn't that of a success. I succeed in giving him what I wanted to give him but he didn't want to actually receive it. To be honest, his reaction hurt me. He hurt me once more. But I was still more than willing to love him and stay by his side no matter what happens. But after being in a deep thought, I decided to cancel my plans. I decided to give him space to think before continuing my plans.
During that time, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't close to my family nor to my schoolmates because I chose him over them because I thought it was alright because I will certainly be receiving love from him. I didn't know to whom shall I vent. Not going straight at home became my hobby. But where I will go is always a mystery. I felt like I don't want to go home but I didn't know where to go either.
After classes, my routine would be to wait for my phone to be returned, go out of the campus and walk, walk, walk anywhere! One time, I don't know anymore what to do. Crying, while thinking and reminiscing, I walked. I am familiar to the places around my school so I didn't worry about being lost.
But one time I couldn't see where I'm going literally because my eyes were blurry. When I wiped my eyes, I saw my surroundings and I knew I was near a church in Malate and so I went there. A mass was going on so I stayed at the back, praying while crying. It was a bit awkward because some people are looking at me and some, staring. I ended my prayer and went outside but I didn't know where to go so I went in again and prayed for more, and the same situation happened so I went out for good.
A guy in his thirties was sitting on a chair near the entrance gate for parking of the church. I walked up to him and asked him "Naisip niyo na po bang sukuan yung sarili niyo?" (Have you ever thought of giving up on yourself?) He asked me to repeat my question for like 6 times but didn't respond to my question directly. He then called for the guy behind him and asked him to listen tome because he couldn't understand. I took the risk of talking to that guy because I really can't hold it anymore. I thought he is someone I can talk to but I felt like an alien not being understood by the people around me because of my language. The guy who was a kagawad talked to me and asked why I was crying but I just asked him the same question. He responded but not answering my question directly, he told me "Bata ka pa, mag-aral ka nalang ng mabuti. Para kung ano man yan, malalagpasan mo." (You're still young, just study well so that whatever it is you're going through, you can overcome.) I asked him if he has children and he said he has two daughters, then I asked what would he feel if he sees his daughters going through what I am going through, but his respond was to just study well again.
After a few minutes, he shared to me his story. He told me that years ago, he used to gain a lot of money because he was gifted, but then everything changed, and he didn't know how or why. He came from the province and went to Manila to gain more money in order to give his family a wonderful life. His 1st daughter had a baby in a very young age while his 2nd daughter stopped going to school when she only have 3 more subjects to pass before she could graduate just because she got lazy. The father, whom I am talking to, felt devastated. He invested so much in his daughter's education only for her to waste. He said he couldn't do anything so he just kept on praying and everyday he goes to church.
After him, I shared more of my problems. Aside from the main problem I was stressing about that time, my Birthday is approaching but I am sill devastated. What I wanted for my Birthday is for me to be happy even for that day only. I don't know how, I don't know where I should ask for help. During those times, I should be getting strength from my family but I couldn't since our family was also facing a huge problem that time. A problem so big that it is better left unsaid.
It's getting late when the kagawad asked me where I live. I told him the city but never would I tell my address. He asked me where would I get a ride home and I told him I am still deciding. Deep inside me, I still don't want to go home. Also, if I would decide to go home, I don't know how I would go home. I know which way to take but it scares me knowing there are a lot of drug addicts in the way I am supposed to take. The kagawad adviced that I should take the train and I said okay. He told me to go home but then I still don't want to. He therefore insisted to take me to the station. I don't know why, but I trusted him and he brought me to the train station safe & sound.
When I went down the station near my place, I rode a jeepney but instead of going down in our street, I went down at the bridge. I saw the place that was once filled with small houses but now burned down. I can still see the pieces of their houses. There are also people trying to look for something they can use in the area. I told myself "Swerte ko na nabubuhay ako ng maayos. Ang daming gustong maging buhay yung buhay ko, samantalang ako gusto kong mawala." (I'm lucky I live properly. There are many people who wants to live my life but I want to disappear.) I walked 'til I reached the church. I sat down for a while then knelt. I prayed for my heart's desire. I tried to stay there until I feel better but before feeling that way, they were cleaning and closing the lights. A thought rushed through my mind "Pati ba naman simbahan pinagsasarahan ako ng pinto? Pati ba naman Diyos tatalikuran ako?" (Even the church will close its doors on me? Even the Lord God will turn his back on me?) So I went to the sides of the church praying and reading the stuffs written about the saints. Hoping that maybe something I might read will help.
Crying, I went out the church. I didn't know where to go. A lot of people is already sending me text messages. Then I decided to tell my mom to fetch me, I requested for her to fetch me alone. I was shocked when she arrived with my dad. I knew I would be scolded.
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