You Are Not To Be Blamed

I personally think it's in the nature of humans that we overthink situations. It sucks, it really does. But here are some of the things that are for sure:

It's not your fault somebody's life ended. Seriously. Just because you're the last person who had a conversation with that lad who just committed suicide across the street doesn't mean it's your fault. You didn't take that lad to a place devoid of hope so don't blame yourself. Stop it, really. It's not your fault the lad's mind wage war on their body and unfortunately won. The death of your grandmother who's been on life support since the last three months isn't your fault. It's not her fault she couldn't win against her illness and just because you're assigned to take care of her yesterday when she died doesn't mean it's your fault her life ended. It's not your fault you couldn't save her. Someone up there has scheduled it already, and no matter how much you don't want to let your grandmother die, or no matter how much you love her, you will never have more control than fate nor the One above.

It's not your fault your friend or ex was unfaithful to you. Don't tell me you've been such a horrible friend or significant other because darling you are not! It's not your fault they wasted the trust you have given them carefully. People's betrayal would never ever define who you are, sweetie. It's not because you weren't beautiful enough. Not because you weren't sexual enough and most certainly not because you weren't smart enough. It is not your fault they did such thing.

It is not your fault you're somehow inclined. You may think differently than the people around you. You might be more emotional, you might love a little bit more intensely but it is surely not your fault! All of us were born with our strengths. We are all uniquely made and it isn't your fault! It is just your job to use your gifts in the best way you can. Remember this, what you are is not going to be your fault neither is what you are not.

It is never going to be your fault somebody hates you. STOP TAKING ALL THE BLAME! Sure, we all have negatives on us. We can be so kind and so apologetic to minimize the people hating on us. But let's face it. When the sun sets, hatred is always a choice one chooses. See that? It is not your fault they hate you, it is theirs. We cannot control the acidity running through their veins as much as we can't control the beat of their heart. The owner of the body and soul is the only one able to choose what type of feeling to release. It is not your fault they chose to release hatred.

Struggling with mental health? You are not to be blamed! Have lapses? Deficiency? Or over abundance of fluids in your brain? Not your fault! It is not your fault that our brain is created in a way it has patterns; normal and abnormal. You are not to be blamed for your mental illness as cancer patients are not to be blamed of their illness.

Someone took advantage of you? You are certainly not to be blamed! You might still be too naive but it isn't your fault you didn't know better. It is not your fault there are people crooked in this world. So cruel and dishonest that they thought you might be someone they can take advantage of. You are not responsible of their hideous actions and what they did to you is certainly not your fault!

You are not to be blamed when you didn't do or say more when you didn't know it was your last chance. Nobody knows when it's their last. Chances and opportunities are so unpredictable. There will be times when you wouldn't say or do everything you wanted to do or say because you still wanted to make sure you want to do it with all your heart but you'll never know when it's your last. You shouldn't blame yourself just because someone stepped out of your life way too earlier than you expect them to do. It's not your fault you didn't tell them how much you love them the time you saw each other, you didn't honor them and didn't tell them they're forgiven because you didn't know it was your last chance. It's so sudden and unexpected, you didn't know, so it's definitely fine. Stop blaming yourself. It's an untimely end so it's not your fault for not predicting it.

It isn't your fault you didn't feel what you wanted to feel towards somebody. There's this thing called mind over matter. But when it comes to feelings, you can't always lie. You wanted to feel a certain feeling for some reason, but it isn't what you're feeling. It's not your fault. We are not wired to love people just because they are kind, or because they know our favorite color or because someone has a direction in life. It is not your fault that your heart beats faster to people more imperfect than who your mother wants you to be with. Who you love is an outcome or reflection of who compliments you and makes you someone better. You are not to be blamed for that.

You are not at fault that you are not who someone wants you to be. Society will surely demand a lot of things. People will have high expectations from you but you are not at fault for choosing not to live with their expectations. You are not at fault that your natural inclinations doesn't align with the society's definition of perfect. It's not your responsibility to waste your life trying to be someone else's version of enough or perfect. Don't blame yourself you didn't become who they want you to be.

It's not your fault someone doesn't love you the way you want them to. Someone else's love isn't entitled to you just because you giggled at the right time nor because you sent him just the right amount of messages. Just look at it this way... you might be the most expensive and brightest gold in the whole world, but there's always going to be somebody who would prefer silver. You might be a comfy bed, but somebody's always going to choose to sleep on the floor than on a bed and guess what? YOU ARE NOT TO BE BLAMED.

Sophomore Apathy

I used to care. So much. So much that I forgot about my value. I used to care like your mom would do to you, your dad would do to his car, your sister do to her new designer bag and shoes, and your brother to his new Xbox. I used to care until I felt like not giving a single flock anymore.

I cared for people.
I appreciated people.
I praised people.
I motivated people.
I was interested to people.
I was concerned.
I was passionate.
I was excited.
Until I realized I shouldn't anymore.

There will come a time in your life when you are just simply tired with almost everything. You'll feel physically tired, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually tired. In my case, it's during my high school sophomore year. I don't know, things began to randomly change. Change in a way that would really affect my way of living. Okay, stop telling me it's because I shouldn't depend too much on others nor on things because i'm still naive, still too young to realize. Not to realize that I shouldn't depend on anything, but to realize that I should actually consider making efforts to not depend and to stand on my own.

Change is constant in this world, we all know that. We would all want change, but only if it's for the better. But what happened in my sophomore year wasn't that type of change. What hurts the most is that no matter how much I care, I'm still treated like an insignificant person - they wouldn't consider my feelings. That's when I realized I should stop caring anymore because nobody gives a flock about the care I give.

No matter how much I appreciate the people around me and even praise them, only a few people does it for me. All those compliments I've told them are sincerely true. All of it were meant to make them feel better but when I needed those? Not one of  the people I compliment mostly did the same thing. That's completely fine. At least now that i'm used to it.

No matter how much courage I take in to myself to be strong for them while comforting them and motivating them, what I get is a freaking change that wouldn't satisfy me. I'm not asking for too much, trust me. I was actually satisfied with how I lived before those changes happened. I'm also a human like all of you reading this, and there's a certain point in my life when motivation is something I would need and I want the people around me to know that hey, your motivator finally gave up because she lost motivation and couldn't seem to find any from the people she expects it to come from.

I was interested to people. I talk to people new in my place to make them feel comfortable. I give them the warmest smile and welcome I could offer. I was even judged for being interested to people but I didn't give a single flock because my interest in people just couldn't stop.

I was always one of the people concerned. From the people around me being bitten by insects to them being completely devastated. I was always there to do as much as what I can do for those people because I was freaking concerned. Because I knew we all need someone sometimes. But during my darkest days when I needed someone the most? I must say I think no one was actually concerned. If you guys were really concerned you'll stay until I become okay or even longer. If you guys were really concerned, you'd stay with me and not stab me. I think you guys just really want to know, not because you're concerned but because you're just simply curious. And hell, maybe because you and your friends need something new to talk about.

I was passionate. So passionate about everything I do. Dancing, acting, singing, composing and all. Until you judged me. For some reason I couldn't tell, you, people I thought who are my friends or acquaintances at least, judged me. I was so dumb to think that just because we see each other almost everyday, you wouldn't judge me just like that. You know what's funnier? I was so passionate about my belief. So passionate that I have come to the point wherein I love to share it to the people close to me or even to the people I have small talks with. You guys were so cool to even judge me for sharing those. You even questioned my belief and faith. My goodness, who are you?!

I used to feel excitement. I was excited about little announcements, fun activities, events, and other more stuffs. But you make it seem unimportant. You brainwashed me and I don't know why I allowed you. You made me think there was nothing to be excited about. For the love of God, why didn't I just refuse to have you brainwash me? Because of that, I slowly lost the excitement factor in my life and I regret letting the society manipulate me.

It has been long since I asked for anything in return. Sophomore year was just full of bs that it was so devastating. Aside from numerous changes, I freaking lost a lot of people. I responded too awfully in that situation and I guess that's what made you judge me more. You'll never know what i'm feeling because you never try to put yourselves in my shoes before speaking up. You didn't know how devastated I've been. You didn't know how much I wanted to give up but despite those feelings I had, I chose to try to make me look acceptable in your eyes. I don't usually try to please people but you took advantage of me. You knew I was so lost and confused and devastated so you made me feel a lot more worse. You made me change for you.

Until I realized, I shouldn't. I realized I should be the person I really am, the person who doesn't want to please anyone by effort. And because of having too much care that went to waste, I have finally decided. And so, I stopped caring. I stopped everything. I didn't care about what you all can say, I didn't give even half a flock and that made you angry. So you tried your best to destroy me even more to everyone. But I really didn't care anymore.

And that is how sophomore apathy happened.

Alone On A Desert Island

I had the idea to blog about being 'alone on a desert island' over a year ago or maybe two. I can't recall anymore what was on my mind back then, if it was to be literal or to be metaphorical. I certainly would have forgotten to blog about this if I didn't check my drafts. It's just wonderful that this became handy even if I just accidentally found it.

"No man is an island." That's a cliche, isn't it? When someone suddenly opens up to you and says something like "I feel alone", surely this would come into your mind. You'll tell the one being alone that no man is an island. Yeah, sure. Indeed, no man is an island. Why? Because a man is a man. I'm not being sarcastic here. Isn't it just ironic when you say a man is an island? It's like calling an apple an orange. How can an apple be an orange and how can a man be an island?! 

Reminding others that no one is an island isn't really that much of a help. In some cases, it even makes the situation worse especially if you're dealing with people that analyzes things too much.

An island, according to Wikipedia, is any piece of sub-continental land that is surrounded by water. Let's put this in an analogy. Let's say an individual is a piece of land, and water is something that are unlike them which means being an island is being separated from all that are like you, and being surrounded by what you are not. This is where the 'no man is an island' cliche works. But not all people analyzes this way. An island is not impossible to be an attraction. Islands are capable of being majestic and wonderful causing people to go and visit these islands. If you have mistaken to say that cliche to an over-thinker, it is probably going to be worse. The over-thinker might even set his or her mind that he is incapable of being a wonderful creature.

Let's put this in a safer statement. Why can't just people say "You are not alone."? Isn't it better to be straightforward and safe? Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against being metaphoric. In fact, I admire people capable of applying metaphorical statements in real life. It's just that, in this case, why can't we, humans, just say what we really mean? There's nothing to be ashamed of telling someone they aren't alone. It also makes it easier for them. I mean, the person you're dealing with has problems, he/she might even be depressed, why would you want to add something for them to think about? Why can't we just be there, and comfort them naturally? They'd appreciate it even more because it isn't a cliche, and it comes from your heart. Doesn't cliches just sound scripted?

The person you're about to tell that no man is an island probably isn't feeling like an island. That person is more likely to feel alone on a desert island. Take note of the words "ALONE ON" and it isn't just an island, it's a desert island. I know 'cause I've been there.

So how does it feel to be alone in a desert island? Of course, from the phrase itself, you feel alone. You feel like no one's there for you. You feel like you should face everything on your own and depend only on yourself. You feel like you're the only one different. You feel a lot of crazy things.

Sometimes, one can even over-think a situation like sitting alone on the corner of a room. One can think like he/she's alone and all of the people in the room doesn't even notice his/her disappearance and you know what? It sucks. It freakin' sucks. I know because again, I've been there. You'll have numerous suicide thoughts, the fun thing here is that you become creative, resourceful and all whatnot, kidding.

But seriously, you'll have a lot like it's the only thing in your mind. You'll be extremely sad and suffer from depression, even! But then you'll have another thing to think about, and that is whether or not see a psychiatrist. For some reason, there's this pride in your heart that says, "No, I am not going to see a professional 'cause I ain't crazy." or maybe a part of you that says "I may be sad but I don't need anyone because I can do this on my own." Well, let me tell you something. Not all who goes to see a psychiatrist are crazy and don't be silly, we all know that somehow we need something or someone to pull us up during the most heartbreaking times of our lives.

If nobody needed a psychiatrist, why are they there in the first place? Look. The thing is, what people might say about you going to see a professional doesn't matter. What matters is YOU. Your feelings matter, the things you bottle up matter, all your thoughts and all that you are matter. So honey, if you need it, go get it! I'm not promoting psychiatrists here, but if you think it might help, why not?

Even if one feels alone, there will always be people curious of what's happening. It might be out of curiosity or love. Not all hesitates to tell those people stories even if the person they're talking to are strangers (at least not me). But you know what? It actually helps sometimes. (Finally they have uses now!!)

I can't fathom my thoughts on this anymore. I guess i'm just a frustrated writer after all. When I compose, and then stop even for awhile, I don't get as much thoughts as I had the first time. So just let me end this with a message. A message to all those people feeling alone.

Hey there, fighter! Keep it up, don't give up because soon things will be brighter! Don't let anyone bring you down, 'cause you are so awesome and you don't deserve being rejected nor being left out. You're not an outcast, and you don't just not belong. You're one of a kind. You're so precious, different, unique and rare. Listen, if someone tells you're a freakin' outcast, smile. Freaking smile not just because it kills them. But also because it's a compliment. Shame on them, they're not good in choosing words but honey, they wanted to tell you that you are an island. An island capable of being majestic and wonderful. You might be surrounded by creatures different from you now, but wait for it, you'll be a tourist spot. They wanted to tell you you're different from them because you're unique and they're just norm. It's their way of saying they envy what you possess. Yes, because you're awesome like that. Do me a favor, sweetie. Don't bow down. Chin up, princess/prince! You are God's. You are wonderful. You are important. You deserve everything wonderful in this world. Nothing's too good to be for you. The last thing I want to tell you is that, you will never be alone. God's always there. And i'll just be here, darling. You could always slide through my inbox.