Sophomore Apathy

I used to care. So much. So much that I forgot about my value. I used to care like your mom would do to you, your dad would do to his car, your sister do to her new designer bag and shoes, and your brother to his new Xbox. I used to care until I felt like not giving a single flock anymore.

I cared for people.
I appreciated people.
I praised people.
I motivated people.
I was interested to people.
I was concerned.
I was passionate.
I was excited.
Until I realized I shouldn't anymore.

There will come a time in your life when you are just simply tired with almost everything. You'll feel physically tired, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually tired. In my case, it's during my high school sophomore year. I don't know, things began to randomly change. Change in a way that would really affect my way of living. Okay, stop telling me it's because I shouldn't depend too much on others nor on things because i'm still naive, still too young to realize. Not to realize that I shouldn't depend on anything, but to realize that I should actually consider making efforts to not depend and to stand on my own.

Change is constant in this world, we all know that. We would all want change, but only if it's for the better. But what happened in my sophomore year wasn't that type of change. What hurts the most is that no matter how much I care, I'm still treated like an insignificant person - they wouldn't consider my feelings. That's when I realized I should stop caring anymore because nobody gives a flock about the care I give.

No matter how much I appreciate the people around me and even praise them, only a few people does it for me. All those compliments I've told them are sincerely true. All of it were meant to make them feel better but when I needed those? Not one of  the people I compliment mostly did the same thing. That's completely fine. At least now that i'm used to it.

No matter how much courage I take in to myself to be strong for them while comforting them and motivating them, what I get is a freaking change that wouldn't satisfy me. I'm not asking for too much, trust me. I was actually satisfied with how I lived before those changes happened. I'm also a human like all of you reading this, and there's a certain point in my life when motivation is something I would need and I want the people around me to know that hey, your motivator finally gave up because she lost motivation and couldn't seem to find any from the people she expects it to come from.

I was interested to people. I talk to people new in my place to make them feel comfortable. I give them the warmest smile and welcome I could offer. I was even judged for being interested to people but I didn't give a single flock because my interest in people just couldn't stop.

I was always one of the people concerned. From the people around me being bitten by insects to them being completely devastated. I was always there to do as much as what I can do for those people because I was freaking concerned. Because I knew we all need someone sometimes. But during my darkest days when I needed someone the most? I must say I think no one was actually concerned. If you guys were really concerned you'll stay until I become okay or even longer. If you guys were really concerned, you'd stay with me and not stab me. I think you guys just really want to know, not because you're concerned but because you're just simply curious. And hell, maybe because you and your friends need something new to talk about.

I was passionate. So passionate about everything I do. Dancing, acting, singing, composing and all. Until you judged me. For some reason I couldn't tell, you, people I thought who are my friends or acquaintances at least, judged me. I was so dumb to think that just because we see each other almost everyday, you wouldn't judge me just like that. You know what's funnier? I was so passionate about my belief. So passionate that I have come to the point wherein I love to share it to the people close to me or even to the people I have small talks with. You guys were so cool to even judge me for sharing those. You even questioned my belief and faith. My goodness, who are you?!

I used to feel excitement. I was excited about little announcements, fun activities, events, and other more stuffs. But you make it seem unimportant. You brainwashed me and I don't know why I allowed you. You made me think there was nothing to be excited about. For the love of God, why didn't I just refuse to have you brainwash me? Because of that, I slowly lost the excitement factor in my life and I regret letting the society manipulate me.

It has been long since I asked for anything in return. Sophomore year was just full of bs that it was so devastating. Aside from numerous changes, I freaking lost a lot of people. I responded too awfully in that situation and I guess that's what made you judge me more. You'll never know what i'm feeling because you never try to put yourselves in my shoes before speaking up. You didn't know how devastated I've been. You didn't know how much I wanted to give up but despite those feelings I had, I chose to try to make me look acceptable in your eyes. I don't usually try to please people but you took advantage of me. You knew I was so lost and confused and devastated so you made me feel a lot more worse. You made me change for you.

Until I realized, I shouldn't. I realized I should be the person I really am, the person who doesn't want to please anyone by effort. And because of having too much care that went to waste, I have finally decided. And so, I stopped caring. I stopped everything. I didn't care about what you all can say, I didn't give even half a flock and that made you angry. So you tried your best to destroy me even more to everyone. But I really didn't care anymore.

And that is how sophomore apathy happened.